But I’m Not Ready for Love!

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You know how some people say they’re not ready for love, or maybe instead of pursuing a relationship with someone they really want to be with, they’ll ease off because they have to get some things together? Wow, I just remembered how my friends and I would say we couldn’t get baptized until we got ourselves together too. But that’s slightly different, and a topic for another day.

Aside from that, what do you think you need to fix for someone to love you? Your credit? Your weight? Your living arrangements? The right car? Your wardrobe? You having surgery on something? Your money funny? You gotta get your leave situation right at work? You gotta buy a timeshare first? Oh, you need to get a pedicure first? I mean, if you think you can’t stop sleeping around all willy-nilly, that’s one thing, but what else is there?

I gotta admit, I let a few things hold me back for a while. But you probably won’t be able to relate, though. Or can you? For example:

It’s physical.
So I have this “lens” that I use to look at myself. It’s very focused, harsh even. Bright light and all. It sees EVERY physical “flaw” on every part of my body. This lens is so targeted, it can even detect the slightest color discrepancies and oddly shaped areas, like my right eye or my left breast. This lens sees ALL. And it tells me that I’m not ready to be loved, because I’m discolored in places, my eyes don’t match, my stomach is not flat, I don’t have a gallbladder, I get bloated sometimes, and my thighs are too big. Did any of that sound at all crazy? I know. But I can’t stop.

I keep thinking if I had the money, would I go under the knife to shed some of the extras, and I honestly doubt it. I can think of several other things I want more. I did exercise a little, but the results weren’t enough to make me want to sweat that much, that often, in a completely sexless way, so pass. Yeah, this is pretty much what it’s gonna be. Love it or leave it alone.

Funny thing is men don’t see me at all like I see me. Curves, softness, fullness, thickness, cushion, deliciousness, lusciousness—some of the words I’ve heard to describe the very things my lens would have me despise. So I decided I’m gonna always be too hard on myself, which is why I plan to allow some kind, loving man to love on me and tell me why he thinks I’m wrong. Can’t hurt.

It’s psychological.
I know you’re thinking this means I have low self-esteem, but I promise you as harsh as I am with myself, you cannot make me believe you or any other woman is better. Okay? No. It’s like she’s gorgeous, fabulous, incredible and all that—for her, or to be with him. But that aint for me. Yeah, it’s hard to explain but I know I’m some kinda wonderful, sexy, beautiful, desirable and stuff. I just can’t stop using that lens. I actually think it has a lot to do with my OCD. I just need stuff to line up, and be balanced, and symmetrical. I’m so serious.

It could also be about what I once was—before the 3 babies and the surgeries and 20 years and all. I didn’t really appreciate it—wait, yes I did. I absolutely did. Showed it off regularly, shrugged off criticism about how little I wore, and would not accept the argument that I should put some of my parts away or cover up my shape. Yeah, I want that back. Bodycon dresses give me life, still…but with key undergarments only. Time is so unforgiving, with its lasting effects and such. But if he likes it, well, that’s half the battle right there.

It’s spiritual.
I find that more often than not, I must pray for balance and self-control. I do all right in some areas, but I struggle in one area in particular. I’m seasoned, as it were. Three kids, ten years, one marriage later–I know things. I’ve seen things. I want certain things. I absolutely, positively, definitely loooove some things. Now I have no desire to sow my seeds all over the place (or have seeds sown in all my places), but the truth is I am not a good girl. I’m not even a nice girl. I’m a full-grown woman, and I’m fully aware. Am I somehow unworthy of love? No. The kind of man I could appreciate will be able to appreciate the wealth of knowledge I bring to the table, along with my other fine qualities. He will be just as grown, just as aware, and just as seasoned, if not more so.

I’m not saying God-fearing men don’t come that way, but I definitely don’t wanna get good and comfortable with one only to find out he can’t handle the truth. It happens. Two people get all acquainted, courting and stuff, they get serious and next thing you know they’re married…soon to be separated because somebody knew too much. Don’t judge me. And don’t ask too many questions if you don’t wanna know the answers. I’m just saying, I’m working on me. We’re working on me. But some things can’t be undone. Can you handle the truth? Show yourself sir. Yes, please step forward.

It’s financial.
I don’t make as much as I would like. I don’t make what I’m worth. I haven’t even completed my business plan yet. I’ve had setbacks. I have many things to do before I’m as stable as I would prefer. How on earth can I even think about allying myself with an intelligent, ambitious, strategic, successful man of many talents if I don’t even have my stuff together? Well, if status is all we love about each other, that aint love.

Yeah, you’re saying those things help. You’re saying you can’t love a broke man. You’re saying a man who doesn’t have it all together can’t lead you, but one thing I know about love is it elevates. So if you aren’t where you wanna be in any aspect of your life, perhaps you’ve not been surrounded by, encouraged by, uplifted by, supported by, held by the right kind of person. What if all this time you’ve been trying to do and get and be whatever, only to find that your life partner had the things you needed to get you there? Just asking….

It’s silly.
I don’t wanna share my remote control. Look, it’s real personal to me; we’ve been together a long time. Why would I need to get up and go into another room, or on another floor just because I wanna watch home improvement shows and you got the TV on First 48 or something? It can be a real problem. And what if you won’t cut your toenails? What if you keep husk on your feet and you snag the sheets? What if you have gas?

Just cause I love you doesn’t mean I want to be up under you ALL the time, doing what YOU wanna do, watching what YOU wanna watch, no matter what the conditions are. I have genuine time and space issues. It’s real. Sorry, not sorry. But if you got up and went to the basement, odds are I’d eventually come to be with you. Just saying….

It’s always something.
Truth is there will always be a reason(s) we feel we’re not ready to do the love thing, settle down, marry, be exclusive, let somebody in. It’s all very personal, and it’s all very important to you. But let’s put some perspective on this thing. I asked myself just this morning–whatever you feel you’re lacking, if they can’t love you at or through your worst, why would you be so eager to give all your best? I’m like what’s in this thing for me, really? I’m absolutely worth some fixer-upper type effort. And that goes both ways.

What about if they’re going through? What happens if they have a few nicks and dings? We just call that vintage these days. What will you do in the name of love for your someone with potential? I was thinking about the season my Dallas Cowboys went 1-15, and the times Romo was injured and we went 2/12 or something like that the rest of the season. I didn’t go looking for a new team. I mean, what kind of person would just cut and run when somebody’s doing bad like that? LOL!

But you get what I’m saying, though. Oh, you’re not perfect? Well, join the club then. Come sit on this couch right here next to me. We’ll be great together. You hang in there, especially when times are tough. That’s just another opportunity to show how loving and supportive you are. Love em through it is all I’m saying. And I say again, what if the reason you’re not where you think you should be is because you’re missing the life partner you’re supposed to have, and therefore you are not being elevated there???? Love can really do that, for you both. 

Love is a force to be reckoned with. I wrote a poem about it once. Wanna hear it? Here it go:

Not of This World, by Tonya D. Floyd
Love is. Love lives. Love soothes. Love moves,
Like lyrics draped over a melody, sung in the perfect key.
Transcends time and space; take me to a place where he awaits—
That one who waits for me. I see him; it can only be him
Because the one thing that never lies is that look in his eyes.
When he sets his gaze upon the one, the woman
Destined to become his wife—the love of his life,
He cannot deny or fight
the way her light permeates his defenses, piques his senses.
He doesn’t even want to flee. The only place he
Wants to be is everywhere she is—an extension of,
New dimension each one of the other; lovers, friends.
Where she ends he begins and so on…
I could go on forever about such an incredible undertaking,
How it’s left etchings indelible, making it near impossible,
Implausible to accept anything less than the heart and soul of a man.
Love is not of this world.
It is ethereal, celestial, spiritual, scriptural.
Do we not read that God is love?
There is no stronger driving force that I’m aware of.
Pure, unsoiled, untarnished, untainted, unselfish, unadulterated,
Genuine gift from above—that’s love.

Open up! Get you some of that! I want some, right now….

From the Mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd, Author
My creativity knows no bounds.

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