Why won’t he marry you? I could be nice and say it’s because he’s not ready, or he’s getting himself together to be the man you need him to be. But the truth probably is he doesn’t feel superior to you in any way that matters to him. Yeah, his ego won’t let him. I’ve observed men over the years, with their wives. Heard how they talk about them. They ALWAYS complain about something she does that aggravates them. And they usually say it’s something unique to females, as in she only does this annoying thing because she’s a woman, and everybody knows how women are. It’s very accusatory actually.
I’ve heard men complain about not getting sex enough, women messing up the finances, having to clean her nasty car, having to deal with her relatives, her not cooking enough, she smokes too much, goes out too much, and all sorts of things. I used to wonder why they would continue to deal with behaviors like that if they hate it so much. I used to think I know a few mature, secure, stable women who don’t put out a lot of nonsense; that sounds ideal to me. Why would men allow the exact same types of behaviors they so adamantly despise rather than settling down with this type of woman instead? She needs him. Ego: check.
No, seriously, I’ve always been stuck on why the smart guys I know would deal with dumb stuff to time indefinite, over getting up and going to something I always thought would be better. Short answer: Because the woman who is the typical girl–whatever her flaws, he still feels like the superior species. Ego: check. And whatever is broken about her, he can either find somewhere else, then come home to still lay in his comfortable bed, or he can go outside and ignore for as long as he chooses, before coming home to lay in his comfortable bed. Even if you made all the money and gave it to him to disburse as he saw fit, you may stand a chance too. You wouldn’t be considered superior because he’s smarter in finance. That’s why he gets to pay the bills. Control. Ego: check. So you super-stable financially successful girls may stand a chance after all.
Men feel they’re superior to us because we’re so emotional and unstable and reactionary and stuff. If you take that part away, and you’re a cool, reasonable, rational, analytical woman with a plan of action in your back pocket, your stock just dipped on the average man market. Why? Because now he can’t even manipulate you with emotional blackmail and instill insecurity with a need to stalk him. Nor can he get a rise out of you when he wants to start an argument to get out of the house or make you mad enough not to talk to him for some days. He has no way of knowing what you may actually do, even though you’re calm and quiet. You could actually do some damage he’s not prepared for. He really doesn’t see how much you care if you’re not a lunatic, and he really can’t see how committed you are to him if you won’t even cry over him and beg him to stay. He can’t control anything, and you obviously don’t love him more than life, so what would be the point of living with you again? Ego: flagged.
Petty you say? I’m petty for suggesting that? Think about it. Look back at your prior relationships. He thought it was cute when you cussed him out for not calling, or for not coming by, or for pouting when he lied to you. It showed real commitment when you stepped to that other girl, or when you damaged his car like that. You could’ve been arrested. Yet, you took the chance—because of him. Ego: check. It does eventually get old, so don’t wear it out, but the average man secretly likes that kind of girl stuff. That’s the average man for you.
I’ve been called a dude so many times, I can’t even count. I challenge pretty much everything. I can debate with the best of them. I’m reasonable, rational, and very analytical—rarely do I show an emotional side. And I can keep up with his drive, no problem. But my type is fun to PLAY with. We talk sports, and I have a definite position MOST of the time. We can talk about women, and I provide insight, but I’m a reference, not a preference. I get it now. Men generally don’t go for my type, because I don’t have obvious inferior spots they can exploit. They say it like “you’re intimidating to men.” What I hear is, “Tonya, you aren’t easy enough to read, maneuver, or push around, and I don’t have the energy to find your weak spots, so I pass.” Average man. I’m not about to go acting like a girl to make it easier on them though. That’s pretty much dead. Someday, someone will have the time and the energy. He’ll sense that I am indeed vulnerable in spots, and as a superior man, a leader, and my designated head, he’ll get in. But he won’t be so much interested in making me do anything; his focus will be on protecting me from those who would tear me down from lack of understanding. And he’ll tap into my strengths to help our team succeed. Ego: stabilized. I really am a team player. But I only yield to the qualified.
So, back to the original question, why won’t he marry you? Because you’re not flawed enough for the average man. Or needy enough. Or unstable enough. And you might want sex more often than he does. Now he’s gotta worry about keeping his performance up though he may not be able to keep his mans up. Not superior. Not in control. Not ideal. Not marrying you. He doesn’t feel smarter or in control, or you don’t consider him strong enough for you to lean on, or he can’t buy you gifts that make you swoon, or he can’t provide a roof you’ll be impressed with, or he can’t push your buttons,…or something. Ego: flagged.
No man wants to be looked down on, talked down to, or pushed around. That male pride is real, and sometimes it’s even as foolish as we say it is. But a man has to feel like the man where he lays his head. And he needs to feel loved and needed. Or he’s not doing that with you. You are probably great. Desirable. Smart. Fun. You’re incredible. But nah. You’re not the one.
From the Mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd, Author/Host