Setting Boundaries is My Job.

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My migraines are back. The bi-annual purge has begun. Well, it’s been two years since I’ve suffered from headaches anyway. So I’m on an honesty binge and all other people’s feelings will become a secondary concern while I work through the fact that I’ve repressed so much, I believe that’s why I have the headaches. Truth be told, I already have boundaries in place, my circle is small and all that, but the people who are in sometimes overstep because they’re in. And I’ve conditioned myself to let them slide. I used to argue with myself over the concept that what you allow is what will continue. No arguments left. I tell my kids all the time, if I let you slide, you should just be appreciative and avoid making that mistake again. But you somehow take it to mean you’re smarter or more important than me. And you do it again and again. My fault.

Kids aren’t the only ones who will take you for granted. For example, you know how when you’re married or have a housemate, people are more courteous and don’t just drop by unexpected? They’ll call first and say,  “Hey, I’m close to you. You home?” It gives you a chance to to tell them not to come. Or they set the visit up in advance, whether they just don’t like your mate or they just don’t know what you and that mate may be doing just then. But they generally take precautions. When you’re single, and live alone, they tend to be a lot more loose with the presence. “Hey, I’m here. What you doin?” I WAS being alone in the comfort of this home I made for such occasions. Now I’m irritated. My fault.

How about the friends or family members who come over and go in your refrigerator? Like comfortably, every time, they walk in and like second nature they grab for the handle. Again, if you had the housemate, they wouldn’t know which things were earmarked for that partner, and they’d likely ask you if you have whatever. Why is it different because I’m single? I can think of at least one person who has annoyed me to no end with this, but it’s gotta stop. You don’t invite me to your house enough for me to return the rudeness, and I wouldn’t do it anyway because your spouse also lives there. So no, we’re not really THAT close. Sit it on down and ask me. Better yet, bring me something to put in there.

It’s funny, I was thinking about how when I was younger, twenty-something, those close to me used to call me evil and mean. I was, but there was no mistaking how I felt about anything or anyone at any time. I actually prefer to do without the ambiguity in that regard, but people are so sensitive, they get offended, and it’s messy. So I mellowed (repressed) so as not to offend on such a regular, consistent basis. I’m telling you the headaches started way back then, and I’m fairly certain (certain enough to change how I do things now) it’s in large part because I stopped being so blunt and truthful. I’m willing to try it this way again and see if it reverses the attacks. I was  actually just thinking some mean stuff today that I plan on saying. Sorry about your toes and your feelings and stuff. I hate migraines. I gotta fight them with what I know.

I have particular needs in many areas. I’m very much into structure, organization, attention to detail. Okay, I have OCD. I don’t suffer from it though. It doesn’t bother me at all. I can appreciate doing things right and orderly, efficiently–and neatly. It bothers people around me a lot, because they’re slow, slovenly, sluggish, and slack. They’ll just have to learn to deal.  Or not. I don’t go walking into their mess asking them to change it for me. Surely I won’t be switching up anything because they come into my space. Come as you are, but leave it as it was. Cause it’s mine. Thank you.

Boundaries are yours to set and adjust as needed. Let your conscience be your guide. I mean, don’t go looking for opportunities to shred people’s feelings, but always feel like you’re true to yourself, telling the truth, and getting your feelings out. Who knows–maybe some of that stress you carry in the form of aches in your various body parts will subside. Maybe you’ll breathe better. Maybe you’ll even sleep better. All jokes aside, whether it’s headaches or something else, it’s a possibility you’re the cause and the cure. Give people what belongs to them, make them respect what’s yours, and deal with yourself in love.

From the Mind of:
Tonya D Floyd, Author/Host 

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